Finding Joy in the Life I Didn’t Plan
When Plans Fall Apart
I’m a planner by nature. I like to make sure we know what direction we are heading at all times. A 10-year plan, in my mind, just makes good sense. In general, I’m not big on spontaneity. But if the last several years have taught me anything, it’s that my plans can be easily derailed, and I need to continue to grow in my reaction when things change. Growing our family through adoption has caused my life to take twists and turns I never could have imagined. By being tossed in the deep end of the special needs pool, I’ve been challenged and forced to continue to grow and adapt as I learn how to best care for my daughters.
Adoption and Diagnosis
We adopted my daughter E in 2016. Upon arriving back in the US, we took her to the local children’s hospital to get a physical and fill in some gaps in her medical records. It was at that appointment that we discovered she was aspirating when she drank a bottle. She had surgery soon after that to place a g-tube and repair her cleft palate. As the months went on, we kept noticing she was missing multiple milestones. After genetic testing, it was discovered that she has 18q deletion syndrome. In 2018, we received the diagnosis of autism and ADHD. Sprinkled in over the next couple of years, there would be even more diagnoses and more medical appointments and therapies than we could have ever imagined. In July 2024, we sat in yet another doctor’s office, hearing news we already expected, but the words intellectual disability hit so hard and weighed so heavy that it sent our world into yet another dizzying spin. This was just the latest news in an ongoing saga of medical appointments. I was mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually exhausted. I just wasn’t sure I could take one more challenge.
What about all those plans I had? It felt like my life was never going to be “right.” I felt discouraged and angry. Why had God allowed another weight to be tossed on us?
Purpose in the Unexpected
In his book, Man’s Search for Meaning, Viktor Frankl wrote:
“Forces beyond your control can take away everything you possess except one thing, your freedom to choose how you will respond to the situation. You cannot control what happens to you in life, but you can always control what you will feel and do about what happens to you.”
This powerful quote has been rattling around in my brain for the last year or so. I’m assuming that, like me, you also struggle with wanting a sense of control in your life. We all want to think that we are in charge of our destiny. The problem, as we all know, is that life doesn’t work that way. We make plans and have the best of intentions, but then a curveball is thrown our way. A flat tire, sickness, unexpected expense, or sudden medical diagnosis can leave us speechless and our plans destroyed.
Our lives have been turned upside-down by the continual onslaught of medical news. My family has grieved, cried, and mourned over the loss of the life we thought we were going to have. Personally, I have had to process anger at what feels like a completely unfair situation. But lately, God has been working on me to accept things the way they are. He continues to challenge my thinking and push me to rely on Him. Is it the plan I had for me? Nope. Not even close. But as Proverbs 16:9 says:
We can make our plans, but the LORD determines our steps.
Over and over again, God has been working on me to change my focus from “what we can’t do” or “what my girls can’t do,” and instead focus on “what we can do.” By shifting my focus, I’ve been able to be present in the moment and soak up the goodness to be found there, rather than wishing we were doing (or not doing) something else.
Accepting This Life
Here’s how this has looked in our lives recently. On our recent trip to Utah, instead of dwelling on the fact that we were not able to hike Angel’s Landing in Zion National Park, we chose to do a much simpler trail and let the kids splash in the Virgin River. It was beautiful, refreshing, and we all loved every minute. If I stayed focused on the fact that the girls couldn’t do a difficult hike, I would have missed the joy of watching them laugh and play in the water.
Personally, I would love to take on the challenge of running another marathon, but the time commitment to the training plan is just too much at this point. Taking on this challenge would take away time from my family. It’s not worth it. What I can do though, is take on a shorter race and challenge myself to set a new PR in that distance.
Slowly, I’m learning that by accepting our limitations, we are freed up to fully enjoy what might seem like the lesser option. No, we might not get that perfect Instagram picture or get to experience that fantastic new restaurant. But what we do get instead is great satisfaction in the moment and wonderful memories made. Learning to accept the life we have, rather than wish for a different one, can be difficult when you are in the middle of a challenging time. But this small shift can make a world of difference.
What are you wishing for that just isn’t possible at this time?
What can you do at this point instead?